Letter From The Editor - Issue 64 - August 2018

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Writing Fantasy

  
At The Picture Show
July 2018

Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation

Wet hot Transylvanian summer

Yelp reviewers chime in on Hotel Transylvania 3's star-studded monster cruise

Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation
Columbia Pictures
Director: Genndy Tartakovsky
Screenplay: Michael McCullers and Genndy Tartakovsky, based on characters created by Todd Durham
Starring: Adam Sandler, Selena Gomez, Kathryn Hahn, Andy Samberg, Jim Gaffigan, Kevin James, Steve Buscemi, Fran Drescher, Molly Shannon, David Spade, Keegan-Michael Key and Chris Parnell
Rated PG / 1 hour, 37 minutes / 1.85:1
July 13, 2018
(out of four)

Recommended Yelp Reviews for Transylvania Monster Cruise Lines

Gerald O.
Missoula, Mont.

7/15/2018

My terrible family and my awful children keep dragging me to these things. Come on a cruise ship with us, they said. All I wanted to do was relax. No one told me there were gonna be actual vampires and creatures on board. That wasn't in the brochure. I thought "Monster Cruise" was just like a metaphor or something. Or maybe like Monster the energy drink. I mean, that sounds like the sort of thing the Monster energy drink would slap its name on, right? A cruise ship?

So anyway, yeah, Dracula and Frankenstein and all of their buddies show up, I'm just trying to get some peace and quiet and suddenly there's celebrity monsters all around me. And look, I'm not prejudiced or nothin but I didn't know if Dracula was gonna start biting me and turn me into a vampire. I mean I've got this big fleshy neck, it must look delicious to a vampire.

But turns out Dracula was just kind of a dork. They were all dorks, really. Kinda busts the mystique, if you ask me. Dracula never asked if he could bite my beautiful fleshy neck, not even once. He barely even looked at the humans, except for that lady captain. He was actually kind of obnoxious, to tell you the truth. Weird voice, kinda neurotic, not scary at all. Never meet your heroes, I guess. His friends were alright. Mummy was havin a good time. Frankenstein seemed like he was just happy to be invited. I didn't see any zombies. That werewolf guy, he looked really depressed. I felt bad for the guy. His kids are even worse than mine.

Anyway, I'm divorced now. I do not recommend this cruise.

Steve G.
Asheville, N.C.

7/13/2018

Kind of a ripoff, if you ask me. I paid top-dollar to see the Lost City of Atlantis buried in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, and instead I mostly just had to listen to all these whiny vampire families go on and on about their petty relationship problems. Like this young mother was all angry at her dad - oh by the way, her dad is DRACULA, like the real Dracula - for trying to put the moves on the captain. Like, what, Dad's just supposed to go celibate for the rest of his life? He's literally immortal. That would be a long time to go without, is all I'm saying. Truth is, though, dude's got no game. Suuuuuper awkward. Like a 7th grader at the school dance awkward. No wonder he hasn't had a date in 125 years. Christopher Lee would never stand for this, may he rest in peace.

Joseph B.
Toronto, Ont.

7/12/2018

The monsters were very disappointing, TBQH. They have all these cool abilities but mostly they just slouched around flirting or arguing. Dracula didn't bite anyone (his powers of seduction have been greatly exaggerated, fyi), Frankenstein didn't accidentally kill any children, nothing happened when the full moon came out. There were all these fish-man waiters floating around and they all had the exact same voice. Then at the end we were all forced to do the Macarena. Like it was the mid-90s or something. It was horrifying.

I did get to chat with Frankenstein, and in his voice I could sense the one and only true evil. Other than that he was friendly, though. Most of the monsters seemed nice. The older ones were a bit pervy.

Kevin J.
Los Angeles, Calif.

7/12/2018

Each time I go on a cruise it only increases my feelings of violent self-loathing and the deep-seated knowledge that I do not belong. That I am an impostor and everyone knows it. That I am being taunted but must only keep smiling. Keep smiling to believe the lie just one more day. Anyway, Frankenstein sucks.

Agatha V.
New Britain, Conn.

7/11/2018

TERRIBLE SERVICE! This was the WORST monster cruise we have ever been on. We've been going on THIS cruise line for eleven years and I've never seen such service. The captain - this new little blonde struttin' around in her captain's outfit - she, I'm not kidding, she IGNORED CUSTOMERS the WHOLE TIME because she was just constantly trying to kill Dracula. And he kept on escaping! But then maybe I think she loved him, too? Ugh, all I know is we never got our drinks on time.

Oh, and didn't I tell you? Her father - get this - her father was Van Helsing. The Van Helsing. Looks NOTHING like Hugh Jackman, by the way. And he wanted Dracula DEAD. He wanted ALL the monsters dead. And the whole thing ended with a DJ battle? I was very confused. It was a very confusing cruise. We could've been killed. I. Was. Almost. Killed.

Bobby M.
Carmel, Ind.

7/11/2018

We saw a big doggy! I love the big doggy. Mom says I can't have one.

Dorothy H.
Bristol, England

7/10/2018

My children were eaten by the werewolf children.

This is the second-worst cruise I've ever been on.

Liam N.
New York, N.Y.

7/10/2018

I only stayed because I knew they were going to release a kraken at the end of it. I've released many krakens myself - it's sort of one of the things I'm known for - so I had to see what this one was all about. And let me tell you, this was no great kraken. I've seen bigger krakens, scarier krakens, slimier krakens. Krakens that splashed louder and made better noises. This one ... it's just not what I expected. I didn't even have to fight it, he backed right down when he saw me.

Nigel K.
Barstow, Calif.

7/9/2018

Honestly, it was more or less what I expected. Lots of monsters, a couple of obnoxious voices, some bad jokes, a few good ones. Kraken. DJ battle. Typical cruise stuff. I wish the captain had spent more time talking to guests than attempting to murder Dracula, but it's still better than going to a lousy hotel.

You can contact Chris at cinebellamy@gmail.com.


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