The staff of Orson Scott Card's Intergalactic Medicine Show would like to
disavow all knowledge of the following "article." The author has been placed
in a holding cell and denied egg nog for life.
The Ka-Pow Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and Gotham was quiet
No villains, no dinosaurs, not e'en a riot
And Batman the Dark Knight was worn and unspry
Going home to make "Presents!" his new battle cry.
The Kents, Clark and Lois, were snug in their bed
While Peter and MJ both rested their heads
(They're married, don't question, it's my poem, you lout.
If you like Spidey single, your coat's there; get out.)
When Mister Fantastic retired from his lab
And Thor drank some holiday gin with Queen Mab,
Diana the Woman of Wonder, was drunk-ish
Whispering "Aquaman, oh! You're no monkfish . . ."
Then out in the city arose such a clatter
Each hero was jolted by waves of dark matter
Dimensional portals tore open the sky,
And spit a new threat upon poor passers-by.
The lightning and storm of the multiverse rip
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Caught all of our heroes with nary a quip
Save Spidey, who looked up and said: "Now this tears it!"
Mary Jane groaned. I don't know how she bears it
A spaceship emerged from the hole in the sky
Mistletoe red, holly scorching the eye
A-bristle with rockets and bombs as the trimming
A kettle of evil juice, boiling and brimming
The heroes awaited their fate, all jaws clenched.
None spoke, iron-hard muscle chiseled and tense
The ship's belly opened, a slit of bright death
A fat silhouette emerged, catching his breath.
"Name's Claus," he proclaimed with both twinkle and cackle
One lit up his eye and one made his throat crackle
He had rosy cheeks, a red suit and red hat
Doctor Doom's armor strained over his fat.
"You've shattered my holiday with your franchising
Your toys made in China, your loud advertising
Your cheap toxic plastic affects elves like booze
They go all bombastic and talk like Tom Cruise."
"The kid gloves come off!" clichéd Claus with a leer.
"The battle for Christmas is happening here.
The best that you've got is no match for my power
To go 'round the world at a country an hour."
He called. Mutant reindeer spilled out from the ship
Laser-red noses and horns poison-dipped
A Kryptonite Rudolph, its nose tinted green,
Nose-butted Superman right in the spleen.
Poor Captain America, battered by tons
Of Joy-Nazi-Elf-Troopers' mistletoe guns
Thor found his hammer not stolen by Loki,
But taken by elves, short with long ears a-pokey.
Flash couldn't outrun his dark Christmas Future
Wolverine fell, sliced by Blood Christmas Suture,
Spider-Man battled the Green-and-Red Goblin,
Shredded short pants were all left of poor Robin.
No hope could be found. Would our geeky souls be
Robbed of our Marvel, bereft of DC?
In times of despair, in the mad and the maddest
Turn hope to the Batman. Because he is badass.
Alone the Dark Knight stood before the Red Claus
A hint of a smile playing round his square jaws,
"I know your weakness," he said with a growl.
"Ha!" Santa said, but with fear eyed the cowl.
The BatCape swept back for a battered old plate
Wafting a smell so much stronger than fate
Butter and flour and eggs; smack your lips
Santa was frozen by those chocolate chips.
"A contract was made in the dark depths of time,"
Batman said, "and I speak of it now in this rhyme
You swore to the God of all holiday fun,
That you'd eat all the cookies; every last one."
And Santa, like one certain Muppet of blue,
Could not restrain himself. Onward he flew,
Devouring the cookies, not stopping for breath.
(He'll get diabetes and face early death.)
Now, as he polished off one final crumb
Santa was suddenly struck deathly dumb
For there, through unholy bond to the dark arts
Batman had drawn little Valentine hearts.
As any who know of such things ought to know
The holidays cannot be merged. Worlds will blow.
Quakes rocked the core of the space-time continuum
(You know, nothing rhymes with "the space-time continuum.")
"Let us go!" shouted Bats, in the teeth of the storm.
"Let us go to our holiday cheer, safe and warm!
Return to your Pole. Remain in your abode
Otherwise, everything soon will explode!"
So Santa absconded and peace reigned on earth.
Spidey and MJ made holiday mirth.
Lois gave Superman seven red briefs.
Wolverine got a huge slab of raw beef.
This Christmas, as you sit and play with your toys
Read more by Spencer Ellsworth
Give Batman for girls and give Batman for boys.
You might hear him say, as he fades in the night,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to evil take flight!"