Blood & Water
by Alethea Kontis
Love is the reason for many a wonderful and horrible thing.
It was the reason I lived, there in the Deep, in the warm embrace of the ocean
where Mother Earth's crust spread and gave molten birth to the world. Its soul was
Love is the reason she came to me in the darkness, that brave sea maiden. I
remember the taste of her bravery, the euphoric sweetness of her fear. It came to
me on wisps of current past the scattered glows of the predators.
The other predators.
Her chest contracted and I felt the sound waves cross the water, heard them with an
organ so long unused I had thought it dead.
Help me, she said. I love him.
The white stalks of the bloodworms curled about her tail. We had a common
purpose, the worms and I. We were both barnacles seeking the same fix, clinging
desperately to the soul of the world. Their crimson tips brushed her stomach, her
shoulders. They could feel it in her, feel her soul in the blood that coursed through
her veins. I felt it too. I yearned for it. A quiet memory waved in the tide. I was a
maiden, too. Once.
My answer was slow, deliberate. How much do you love him, little anemone?
More than life itself, she answered.
She had said the words.
I had not asked her to bring the memories, the pain. There is no time in the Deep,
only darkness. I could but guess at how much had passed since those words had
been uttered this far down. Until that moment, I had never been sure if the magic
would come to me. Those words were the catalyst, the spark that lit the flame.
Flame. Another ancient memory.
The hollow vessel that was my body emptied even further, pulling me to her. I held
my hands out to her breast, and there was light.
I resisted the urge to shut my inner eyelids to it and reveled in the light's painful
beauty. It shone beneath her flawless skin like a small sun, bringing me colors . . .
perceptions I had never dared hope to experience again. Slivers of illumination
escaped through her gills and glittered down the abalone-lustered scales of her fins.
Her hair blossomed in a golden cloud around an innocent face, a face I
remembered. And her eyes . . . her eyes were the blue of a sky I had not seen for a
very, very long time.
She tilted her head back in surrender and the ball of light floated out of her and into
my fingers, thin, white and red-tipped, much as the worms themselves. I cupped
her brilliant soul in my palms and felt its power gush through me. So long. So long
I had waited for this escape. I had stopped wondering what answer I would give if I
should ever hear the words again, ever summon the magic. When the vessel was
full, when my dead heart beat again, would I remember? Would I feel remorse?
Would I have the strength of will to save her, to turn her away? Would I choose the
path of the good and brave or the path of desperation and escape?
She smiled at me over the pure flame of her soul.
I was a coward. You will see him, I told her.
I pressed her soul into my breast. The moment the light filled me I became her. I
could see my body through her eyes - translucent white torso marred by jagged
tears, blood red hair tossed up by the smoky vents and tangling about the worms,
black eyes wide, lips parted in ecstasy.
I could see him in the back of her mind, the object of her affection. He was tall and
angular, with sealskin hair. There had been a storm and a wreck, and she had saved
him. She had dragged him onto a beach and fallen in love with him as she waited
for him to open his eyes. She had run her fingers through his hair, touched his face,
traced the lines of the crest upon his clothes. He was handsome and different and
beautiful. When he awoke, he took her hand in his and smiled with all his heart.
And when he kissed her, she knew she would never be able to live a life without
In that small moment, as the glow of her soul dimmed into me, her thoughts echoed
She told herself it was worth it.
Once the transformation began, the pain pushed all other thoughts out of her head.
Water left her as suddenly as her soul had left her, her gills closing up after it. The
pressure that filled her chest made her eyes want to pop out. She clamped her
mouth shut, instinct telling her that she could no longer breathe her native water.
She beat furiously with her tail, fleeing for the surface.
Halfway there, the other pain began. It started at the ends of her fin and spread
upwards, like bathing in an oyster garden. The sharpness bit into her, skinning her,
slicing her to her very core. Paralyzed, she let her momentum and the pressure in
her chest pull her closer to the sky. Part of her hoped she could trust the magic
enough to see her to the surface alive. Part of her didn't care. It wished to die, and
knew it could not.
That price had already been paid.
Her head burst above the waves and she opened her mouth, letting the rest of the
water inside her escape. Her first deep breath of insubstantial air was like a lungful
of jellyfish. It was different from the shallow amphibious breathing she had done
before, different when this was her only option. She coughed, her upper half now
as much in agony as her lower half, not wanting to take that next breath and
knowing that she had to.
She lay there on the undulating bed that was once her home and let it heal her. She
stared up at the sky until it didn't hurt so much to breathe, until her eyes adjusted,
until rough hands plucked her out of the sea.
She was dragged across the deck of a ship much like the one from which she had
rescued her lover, right before it had been crushed between the rocks and the sea.
The man who had pulled her up clasped her tightly to him. He was covered in hair,
more hair than she had ever seen in her life, and in the strangest places. It did not
reach the top of his head, but spread down his face and neck and onto his chest.
Perhaps it liked this upper world as little as she did and sought a safer, darker
haven beneath his clothes. She reached out a hand to touch it, and he spoke to her.
The sounds were too high, too light, too short, too loud. She did not understand
them. His breath smelled of sardines. She ran a finger through the hair on his face,
and he dropped her.
She could not stand. Misery shot through her and she collapsed on the deck. Her
hair spilled around her . . . and her legs. She stared at her new skin. It looked so
calm and innocent, but every nerve screamed beneath it. Another man stood before
her now, wearing more clothes than the hairy man, and he had shiny things on his
ears and around his neck. His bellow was deeper than the first man's, but still as
coarse and spiny, and still foreign to her. He crouched down before her and
brushed her hair back from her face. He cooed at her. She touched the bright thing
around his neck that twinkled the sun at her, and he grinned. His teeth were flat.
She wasn't threatened. Braver now, she pulled at the necklace. He let her slide it
over his head and put it around her own neck.
He picked her up and carried her to a place that hid her from the sky and set her
somewhere softer than the deck. He made light for her out of nothing, a red-orange
glow that topped a lumpy white mass. He was doing magic to impress her. She
liked this place and this man who worshipped her. He had given her a gift, and now
he would take care of her. If only there was a way she could tell him why she was
there. She was sure he would help her. Perhaps he could see into her heart and just
The man removed his shirt, and she relaxed even more. He wanted to put her at
ease. By looking like her, he would make her feel like she belonged. He took off
the rest of his clothes and came up beside her. He patted her head, ran his hands
down her hair. He touched her new skin. Still sensitive, she brushed his hand away.
He put it back. She tried to push it away again, but he was stronger. She frowned.
He smiled all those flat teeth at her once more. She wondered if she might have
been mistaken. He moved to cover her body with his.
The misery she had felt before was nothing in comparison. She inhaled the
excruciating air and screamed a hoarse cry. She clawed at him, pushed at his
weight on top of her, but she could not move him. Agony ripped her body apart
again. A tingling sensation washed over her and the light in her eyes began to dim.
Somewhere in that darkness, through the pain, she could feel his heartbeat. The
emptiness in her cried out. He had something she needed.
She reached up, pulled him to her, and sunk her pointed teeth deep into the skin of
his neck. She drank him down, consuming his soul, filling the barren places inside
her. He collapsed on top of her and still she drank, until there was nothing left.
The door burst open and the hairy man entered. He pulled the naked man off of
her. She knew he would be able to tell what the man had done from the blood
between her legs. And he would be able to tell what she had done from the blood
she now licked from her lips.
"Siren," he whispered.
She gasped. In her brain there was an avalanche.
Words flooded her, images and thoughts, smells and sounds. Knowledge. She
knew what it was like to love a woman and kill a man. She knew fire and rain. She
knew how to sail a ship, this ship, and she knew the names of every man on the
crew. She cried out again and slapped her palms to her head. She had taken the
man's soul, and his life right along with it. She watched as the shafts of her golden
hair turned deep red, filled with the captain's blood.
The first mate had named her. He knew what she was. She was death, the shark, the
thing to be afraid of. She lured men to their graves with her beauty.
In one swift motion he pulled the knife from his belt. She did not flinch as he
approached her. There was nothing left to fear.
The knife swept down and split the captain's throat open, hiding the teethmarks in
the cut. He stared deep into her eyes as he pulled a large ruby ring off the dead
man's finger and put it on his own. The knife, streaked with what little crimson
was left in the captain's body, he brandished at the crowd of men gathered at the
"Eddie Lawless, what's goin' on?" the man in front asked. The men behind him
whispered low, words like "magic" and "evil" and "witch" catching in her ears.
"It's Lawson, Cooky," the hairy man responded. "Captain Lawson. And don't you
"Yessir," the men mumbled. "Yessir, Cap'n."
"Leave me," Lawson ordered.
"But sir, what about Cap'n --"
"I am the captain," he told them. "You can collect the carcass later. Leave me
now." He slammed the door in their faces.
The mattress shifted under his weight as he sat down across from her. She did not
want to look at him, concentrating instead on the ends of her new hair and the line
across the dead man's throat.
Lawson shoved the body onto the floor. "Siren."
She looked up.
"So. You can understand me then?"
She nodded once.
"Good." He pulled the sheet down and wiped his knife blade with it. "Understand
this. I know what you are, what you need and what you do. If you do exactly as I
tell you, I won't kill you."
If she had known how to laugh, she would have. It was unsettling. She knew what
laughter was, what caused it and why someone did it, but she didn't have the
slightest idea of how to make her body perform such a feat. It was the same with
the words - she could understand them, but she couldn't get her tongue around
them and speak back. She would have laughed at the thought of this man killing
her, for she would have welcomed death. But there was one task she had to
accomplish before that happened. She had to find her lover.
She nodded her head once more.
"Excellent." He left the bed and went to open a trunk on the other side of the room.
He rummaged through it for a moment, and then tossed a bundle of burgundy
material into her lap. She stared at it, marveling in the slight difference between it
and the color of her hair. She reached out and stroked its softness, drawing patterns
on it with her finger.
His chuckle brought her out of her state. "You have no idea what to do with it, do
you?" He took her by the hand and gently eased her off the bed. "Come on, stand
She placed one foot flat on the floor, then the other. Then she pushed up with all
her might, locking her knees and propelling herself forward into him.
He caught her before she hit the floor. "Whoa. Easy. You have to get your sea
legs." He helped her balance enough to stay upright. Surprisingly, her feet held her
without too much trouble.
"Now," he said, grabbing the bundle off the bed, "you're lucky I have a daughter
and I'm used to doing this." He spun her around so that she faced the wall. "Six
years ago I only knew how to undress a woman." He pulled her hands up above her
head and eased the material down around her. He moved her hair to one side so he
could button up the back.
"There." He turned her back around. "It's a bit large and it'll probably be a tad
warm. But it'll keep the sun off you, and the . . . my . . . men away from
temptation." He looked her up and down. "Not that they'll need much warning,
mind. But you get enough rum into a man . . .well . . .stranger things have
He looked down at the former captain's body. "You won't need to . . . eat . . . again
for a while then?"
She shook her head.
"Right. Best if you only do it when I tell you." He shoved the knife back into his
Her eyes widened.
"Oh, don't worry," he chuckled. "You're aboard a pirate ship, darlin'. If there's
one thing we've always got more than our share of, it's blood."
They encountered a ship three days later. From her sanctuary she heard blasts from
cannons spread amidst the cries of men. She lost her footing when the ship lurched
sideways, hooks pulling the losing ship close enough so that men might cross over.
She peeked through the windows at the smoke of the guns, swords clashing as the
Lawson came back to her room when the battle had died down. He opened the door
and threw a man at her feet. His clothes were ripped and his face was a bloody
mess. Gray eyes looked up at her from the red-stained face and filled with terror.
"No . . . oh, God, no" were the last words he spoke.
His fear was intoxicating.
She closed her eyes when she was finished and let the magic wash over her. She
felt the pain this man had in the pit of his stomach. She felt his broken arm and
nose. She felt the love he had for his young wife and small child. She knew his
favorite food was strawberries. It wasn't just the blood she craved; it was
everything. She needed the senses and the psyche, the emotions and the pain, the
good and the bad. She needed his life, his soul.
Rejuvenated, she tossed her hair back and peered up at Lawson. He cupped her
cheek and wiped a spot of blood away from the corner of her mouth. "That's my
girl." He threw open the door and kicked the man's body over the threshold.
"There's your captain, men," he declared, eyeing each member of the newly
vanquished crew. "Seems he got into a spot of trouble. Any of you want the same
trouble, just cross me."
Crews were mixed and supplies were stolen, and then they were off in search of the
The second ship burned. It was spectacular. She ran to the railing and held her
hand out to the beautiful, live thing that danced on the sea as it consumed sails and
timbers and bodies alike. She had seen candles and lamps in life and in memory,
but this was a beast, wild and hot and bright as the sun. Hands grabbed at her
clothes to keep her from falling over the rail, and they pinned her down when the
magazine finally exploded, taking the rest of that ship's crew with it.
On the third one, she found him.
The battle this time was a long one, and by the time Lawson brought her the
captain of the other ship, he was half dead. She drank him anyway. And
somewhere in the memories of this man was the someone she had been looking for.
She gasped when his face came to her. She drew back, her teeth disengaging from
her meal, blood running down her chin and staining her dress. This man knew her
lover. Not well, but he knew him. She tried to make sense of the jumble of images
that flowed through her, but nothing connected. She searched his body for a sign, a
hint, something. She found it on the smallest ring he wore, a gold band stamped
with the crest she had traced over and over on the beach that day.
When Lawson returned, she pointed at herself and then held up the ring. He smiled
and patted her on the head. "Of course you can keep it, darlin'. You can have all
the trinkets your little heart desires."
He didn't understand. How would she make him understand? She slid the ring over
her red-tipped thumb. She would save it until she thought of a way.
The fourth ship was a long time coming.
She spent most of that time at the bow. Lawson called her their figurehead. It was
an apt description, based on what she had seen on the prows of other ships. She
would lean against the rail, arms spread, red hair trailing behind her in the breeze.
She liked letting the wind slip through her fingers. It reminded her of home. The
currents of air were not that different from the currents of water. Men did not have
the freedom of movement that her kind enjoyed, but the principles were the same.
They walked among it, breathed it in, let it give them life. It brought sounds and
smells to them. They did not see it or think to taste it, but it was always there inside
them, touching them, surrounding them.
She stood there, day after day, until the salt encrusted her lips and her hair was a
faded orange. What little red appeared in the tips of her fingers had been burned
there by the sun. The men avoided her and prayed hard for another ship. They tread
lightly around the captain. No one wanted to be the Siren's next meal.
Lawson finally bade her return to the stateroom, and she was too weak to disobey.
The table was covered in maps and charts. She walked past them on the way to the
bed and glanced down at the area Lawson was plotting. A symbol caught her eye,
and she jumped back. She waved at Lawson. She pointed to herself, and to the ring
around her thumb. She pointed to herself, and to the same symbol down on the
"There?" he asked her. "You want to go there? Why?"
She could not answer, so she just kept pointing to herself and the map.
"That's home," Lawson told her. "Where Molly is. I promised never to go back
until I had a ship full of riches. She deserves no less." He shook his head. "No,
darlin', we can't go there. Not yet."
Frustrated, she closed her eyes. Disjointed thought-flashes skipped through her
mind. She tried to remember the man with the ring, tried to bring his soul to the
surface. But it had been so long, and she was so weary . . . and there was a port . . .
Her eyes snapped open. She moved her finger on the map to an island just off the
coast of the country bearing her lover's symbol. She pointed at Lawson, and then
stamped her finger back down on the map.
"Windy Port? What's there?"
She threw her hands up in exasperation and scanned the room. She held up the
medallion of her necklace to him.
She nodded and kept searching. She found his knife on the table, picked it up, and
then shook her head.
She shook her head again.
"This?" He removed the pistol from his belt and held it out to her. She nodded
He cocked his head and grinned. "Siren, if you're right about this, I'll take you
anywhere in the world." He strode out of the room and hollered to his first mate.
"Hard to port, Matey!"
"Cap'n?" the first mate asked.
Lawson hooked his thumbs in his belt. "We're going home."
The moment Lawson set her down on the dock at Windy Port, she fell. The
hollowness inside her throbbed. She could not believe anything could have been so
still as land. There was no life in it. The air was not strong enough to keep it fluid.
It was rock. Still, empty, dead rock. She was but a shell, a humble reconstruction of
the world upon which man walked every single day. How did they survive without
a connection? She hugged her stomach, doubled up and gagged, only emptiness
escaping her dry heaves.
"You okay, honey? Take it easy. It'll pass soon."
The words spoken to her had a cadence she had never heard before, and it surprised
her so much she didn't understand them at first. The hands that pulled her hair back
away from her face were small and delicate. The woman had on a black dress. Her
hair was pinned up on her head and decorated with shiny black beads. She smelled
. . . soft and nice. And she was gentle when she accepted the Siren's embrace.
"It's all right," the woman said as she patted her back. "Everything's going to be
all right." She barely screamed when pointed teeth pierced her flesh.
Everything was going to be just fine.
Suddenly conscious of her appearance, she pulled her dress over her head and
began tearing at the woman's clothes. Lawson knelt beside her and motioned for
his men to surround them so as not to draw attention to the scene. "Discovered
vanity, have we?" he chuckled as he helped her undress the woman's corpse. Once
she had changed, the men weighted the body and rolled it into the ocean.
Lawson helped her stand. He tossed a dark cloak about her and covered her hair
with its hood.
The inn they went to almost pushed her sanity over the edge from sensory
overload. The room was filled with people of all shapes and sizes. There were
smells from the food, the ale, the dogs in front of the fire, the fire itself. Men and
women talked and shouted and joked and laughed. A scrawny youth crawled up
beside the dogs at one point and sang for his supper. She was mesmerized. These
were so different from the songs of the water, the flash of fish in the currents, the
mating of whales in the deep. Some were slow and soft; some were fast and loud.
And when the rest of the room joined in, she clapped her hands in merriment.
Throughout the night the crew dropped in one by one to report and consult with
Lawson. There were nods and low whispers. She watched as papers were signed
and money changed hands. Thus Bloody Lawson conquered Windy Port, without
ever leaving his seat. When the festivities ended he paid for his meal, tipped
heavily, and left, dragging her behind him.
Molly's homecoming was a grand event. Lawson covered every flat surface in his
new house with sweets and cakes and flowers. He hired a seamstress to take
Molly's measurements for a whole new wardrobe, the only seamstress he could
find that didn't seem overly preoccupied with the Prince's upcoming wedding.
Paper-wrapped packages of all sizes littered the largest of the tables. A doll and a
red rose waited on the chair for his princess.
The Siren sat on a stool in the corner, cut off from the sun and the earth, the water
and wind. She waned as she watched the miniature cherub-faced human run
through the door to embrace her father. Her mop of dark brown curls disappeared
in her father's coat as she hugged him, right before he picked her up and twirled
her around the room. There was something about this strange apparition, this child,
and she could not decide what it was.
Molly giggled as she snuggled her doll. She reached out to the rose.
"Be careful," her father warned her.
"Yes, Papa," she said smartly. "I will watch for the pricklies and the thornies." She
buried her nose in the crimson petals and took a deep breath. When she opened her
eyes, Molly saw the Siren there in the shadows.
The child set her doll down carefully on the table. "Who is she, Papa?" Molly
"She's . . ." he started, twisting the ruby ring on his finger. "I saved her," he said
"She's so pretty," Molly said. The child came around the table and held the flower
out to her. "She's just like the flower."
"Yes," he said. "Just like a rose. She's got pricklies and thornies too, Molly. You
have to be careful around her."
Molly took another step forward, still offering the flower. The Siren took it and
grinned, being careful not to show any teeth. Before her father could stop her,
Molly launched herself into the Siren's arms.
The child's skin was softer than the woman's at the pier. Her hair smelled of
sweetness and . . . something . . . indescribable. Irresistible. She took another deep
breath. There was life within this little bundle, so much life she vibrated with it.
Lawson wrenched his daughter away. He took her by the arms and held her tightly.
He sank down to his knees, so that he could address Molly eye to eye.
"Don't you ever go near her again," he said sternly.
"But Papa, she's so sad," Molly cried.
"She's dangerous," he admonished. "Just be a good girl and do as your papa says."
Molly bowed her head. "Yes, Papa."
"We'll even call her Rose, okay? So you don't forget." Lawson chucked her under
the chin. "Now, what are you going name your dolly?"
Molly's eyes brightened again and she rushed back to the table for her doll.
The Siren sunk her nose into the flower and inhaled, its fragrance mingled with
leftover sweetness. She watched the child open the rest of her gifts.
That night as he escorted her to her room, he said to her, "You touch my daughter,
I'll kill you." Then he shut the door and turned seven keys in seven locks.
Each day after that was much the same. He would not let her leave the house, for
fear that she would be recognized, and he be discovered as the lawless man he used
to be. The third time Lawson caught her staring out the windows, he forbade her
that too. Each night he would take her to her room and give her the same warning
about his daughter before turning the seven keys of her prison.
She would sit on her bed and stare into the darkness, wondering what she had done
wrong. Had she not given him the riches he desired? Had she not paved the way
for him to return home to be with his daughter? She had made him happy - why
should she suffer as a result? How would she ever find her lover now?
She edged closer to the window and watched the moon move across the sky.
Somewhere not far, the reflection of that same light was skipping across the waves.
Somehow, she would escape from this prison. Someday, seven locks would not
Every few nights he would bring her someone, long after Molly was asleep. He
would wake before the dawn and take the body away. She learned all she could
from these poor souls, but it was never enough. They were whores or cheats or
liars, people whose absence in some way benefited Lawson and whose minds were
such a jumble of unreliable information she could never discern anything that
could help her.
She waited. She waited while he scolded her every night. She waited as he shoved
each of the seven bolts home. She waited as he fed her, sparingly, barely enough to
survive. She waited for him to get comfortable, to slip, to let something get by him.
Like the snitch.
Lawson bent over and the unconscious man fell from over his shoulder and onto
the bed before her. "Small, but he's all you'll get, understand?"
She opened her mouth, throat contracting. "Yeth," she managed to say.
"Good. 'Cause if you touch my daughter, I'll kill you." He shut the door. She
counted slowly to seven before pulling the man into her lap and feasting.
Her heart pounded with a foreign pulse.
He was there.
He was everywhere inside this man's head. He sat at the head of a table, talking
sternly to a group of older men dressed in black. He sat in a large chair at the end
of a hallway. He rode a horse down the path through the garden and along the
beach. He rode in a carriage beside a beautiful, golden-haired maiden and people
threw flowers in the street before them. This was the golden-haired maiden who
had saved him from a shipwreck, he told them. After months of searching, he had
found her in a small fishing village on the coast. He owed her his life, and he loved
her with all his heart.
He was the Prince.
And in a week, he was going to marry the wrong woman.
Lawson did not come the next day to let her out of her cell. Nor did he come the
next. The third day, the snitch's body began to smell. The fourth day, she tried to
feed off it again and gagged. There had not been much in him to begin with, and
whatever was left in him now was gelled and rancid. The fifth day, she began to
shake. She pounded on the door and the walls and the window until the skin of her
fists shed. The sixth day, she began to scream. It came out of her as a long, keening
wail. It echoed her hunger, her desperation, her emptiness. Her voice gave out as
the sun rose on the seventh day, his wedding day.
She spent the hours curled up against the door, hoping to hear something. Any sign
of movement at all would have been welcome. She played with the ends of her
faded hair, teasing them in and out between her toes. The shadows moved,
lengthened, and eventually, the sun's light died. Her hopes died right along with it.
She placed her palm flat on the door beside her head.
It was warm.
She closed her eyes and could feel the energy radiating from the other side. She
could hear small, shallow breaths. She could taste sweetness on the air.
She knocked two times on the door.
"Rose?" the tiny voice called hesitantly.
She knocked two times again.
"Daddy's sick and he had to go away." Skirts rustled against the floorboards. "I'm
lonely. Are you lonely?"
"Do you want to play with my dolly?"
She spread her fingers against the door. "Yeth," she croaked.
The warmth faded, and there were sounds of a heavy chair being dragged across
the floor. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven keys were all slowly turned in their
locks. The chair was pushed aside, and the door opened.
The lonely child flew into her arms, the momentum pushing the Siren back onto
the bed in her weakened state. She cradled the frightened child, felt the porcelain
head of her dolly poking into her side. She soaked up the child's energy, willing it
into her empty body. She bent her head and breathed in the sweetness of her. She
nuzzled her nose in the softness.
She shouldn't. She knew she shouldn't, but he had caused her so much pain. She
was so hungry. She had nothing left to lose.
Molly screamed and fought, but every bit of her gave the Siren the strength to hold
the child down, to fill the abyss inside her with this soul of pure innocence. It was
so beautiful. The sensations did not wait until she was finished. They exploded into
her mind every second. There was fear, yes, absolute fear, but then came sadness
and betrayal. There was happiness and laugher, anger and tears. Most importantly,
she finally realized the whys. She knew why a person felt joy and why they felt
pain. She learned the elation of seeing something for the very first time, and the
despair in losing it.
Loss. She knew now what she had been dealing out all this time. There was no way
she could have ever understanding the impact of ending a life without
understanding what it was like to begin one. The weight of all the souls she had
consumed pressed heavily upon her. She learned consequences. She realized that
the things she did affected people other than the person she was killing. She
understood that all the pain she had felt before was nothing to the pain those people
would feel for the rest of their lives. She felt regret, and love.
It spread through her. Unconditional love tickled her down to the red tips of her
fingers and toes. Love was trust. Love was faith. Love was believing in the
impossible. The rainbow of Molly's soul filled her with love until the last drop.
She held the child's limp body in her arms . . . and she laughed.
She laughed and laughed, her voice echoing through the dark, vacant house. She
laughed until she cried, tears flowing unchecked down her cheeks for the first time.
She cried for Molly, for all of them. She cried for all the things she had done. She
cried for herself, for the love she had lost, for nothing.
Or was it nothing?
She had to hurry. She had to leave this place and never come back. She had to find
her lover, find some way to tell him the truth. She gently laid Molly's body out on
the bed and curled her arm around her dolly. She smoothed back the dark curls and
kissed her forehead. She covered herself in the black cloak and fled into the night.
She was glad again to be in the air and running over the earth, despite what little
support the strange elements gave her. She followed her heart and the dim
memories of the snitch all the way to the castle gates.
She strode up to the guards there and threw her hood back. Those that knew of her
let her pass. Those that didn't know of her learned. They died quickly.
The myriad halls and stairs and rooms made the castle a giant labyrinth, but she
knew where she was going. Up and up and up . . . to the balcony suites of the
Prince's bedchamber. She did not stop until she was at the foot of his bed, staring
down at his sleeping body. She wanted to shake him awake, wanted to explain
everything to him, wanted to scream her love for him to the rafters.
But she couldn't.
If he awoke now, he would know what she had become. He would see the evil
inside of her, the stain of it in her hair and on her skin. She had saved his life, true,
but how many others had she taken on her path back to him? With love came
regret. She knew what she had to do. She knew that the only thing she had to offer
him now was her absence.
If she could just touch him one more time . . . she reached out a hand to him. He
would wake and see her. He would know that there was sky blue beneath the black
of her eyes. He would know that there was gold beneath the red of her hair. He
would know because he loved her. All she had to do was touch him.
It would not stop at a touch. She could never be with him, truly be with him,
because eventually she would devour him just as she had devoured Molly. His soul
was not bright enough for her to survive alone outside it, nor was it strong enough
to sustain him once she had consumed it. If she stayed beside him, it would mean
She was a monster.
She forced her hand back to herself and placed it over her heart. She hoped that it
spoke enough in the silence for him to hear it, to feel how much she loved him. If it
had been water and not air between them, she knew he would have felt it.
A tear fell from her cheek to his.
He stirred and opened his eyes.
She gave herself one moment, one tiny, blessed moment of looking into his soul
before she turned and ran.
She tripped down the stairs and cut her feet on the stones. The cloak caught on
something and she unfastened it. She was sure that soon they would come for her.
They would hunt her like the beast she was. She tasted the tears that streamed
down her face and knew there was only one refuge. She ran to it.
The cold beach sand kissed her feet like a prayer. The salty spray mixed with her
tears, chasing them away. The first tiny wave reached up and licked her toes.
Waves rumbled in a cadence she had almost forgotten how to translate.
Come, they pulled.
Home, they crashed.
She took small steps forward. The sand slipped out from beneath her if she stayed
too long. The force of the waves pushed her backwards in opposition to the call she
Come, they pulled.
She stumbled, and the tide ripped her sideways along the beach. Gasping, she
managed to regain her footing and continue walking out to sea. The current
grabbed at her clothes, and she tore them off. The tips of her hair mingled with the
foam. Flotsam swirled around her waist.
Home, they crashed.
She walked until a riptide took her and dragged her out to sea.
My link to her was severed at that point. But I didn't have to live inside her
anymore to know where she was headed.
She would grab the first sharp object she found - maybe a crab's claw or a clam's
shell - and tear into herself so that the water could flow through her again. The
first gash might have been straight, but the rest would be ragged and flawed. She
would make her way to the Deep, her body drawn to the never-ending call of the
soul of the world. She would make a home there among the bloodworms and the
warm vents and the other predators.
She would take her love and regret with her. She would heal in the balm of the
ocean, away from the complexities of mortal life. She would tell herself that if the
day came, if the words were spoken and the magic came to her, she would turn
them away. She would be brave and righteous. She would not let evil back into the
world. The suffering would end with her. She would stew in the self-affliction until
it became a dim memory, tucked away in the recesses of her mind like sight and
sound, air and fire. Time would fade her lover's face, his name into nothing, and
then time itself would melt into darkness. She would ebb and flow and never die.
But when that day did come, as it would, ages and ages from now, she would
choose the light. She would choose the escape. She would let the evil out one last
time just to feel it all again, to live, even if it meant stealing someone else's
As I had.
Strong arms wrapped around me, brushing my satin bedclothes against the small
jagged scars on either side of my torso. I leaned back against him, feeling his
heartbeat through his chest.
"I just had the strangest dream," he said. I felt his deep voice rumble through the
skin of my back. "You came to me while I lay in bed, only your hair was red and
your skin was different. You stared at me like you wanted to say something, and
then you ran. You looked so . . . sad."
He turned me around to face him. "The day you saved me was the happiest day of
my life. And this day should be the happiest day of yours. Don't be sad."
I smiled and shook my head.
"Good." He kissed me then, long and slow and deep. He hugged me tightly before
pulling away. "Come back to bed?"
"Yeth," I whispered, the words still foreign to my tongue. He kissed me again and
left me. I looked out over the moonlit water once more and said my goodbyes
before following him, my prince, my soulmate, my stolen love.
It was the reason I lived.